Pain Love and Leaving
by SpeakLaurieHalseAnderson
Summary: Bella was really close with her Dad, Charlie, and brother, Emmett, after their mother died. Bella was a high school teacher, but something happened to her, and she ran away, years later she decides to move back to Seattle after she hears Emmett's getting married and she realizes how stupid she was to leave. will her secrets unveil when she meets Edward. ExB, EmxR, JxA, EsxC
1. Chapter 1: Pain

**Chapter 1: the ugly truth**

_**Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer is the author of The Twilight Saga, The Host, and a fifth of the book from Prom Nights from hell (which you should go read if you haven't already, it's awesome.) but sadly I do not own any of the rights to any of them, I do however own a copy of them all ;)**_

Pain. That has been one big emotion in my life; it's all I've ever known, my parents splitting up when I was six, me leaving my brother and dad, living with my mother, I hated her for leaving, for making me leave, and for getting remarried when I was nine, for dyeing when I was twelve, I hated her for it, but I loved her all the same, I always have, and I always will.

When I went to live with my dad and brother, they were torn up about it, Charlie still loved Renee, I watched as he tried to pick up the pieces and mend his broken heart, Emmett- my brother was also torn up about it, I just sucked it up, I was strong for them, maybe it makes me a bad person that I have never shed a tear for my mother, but I know that on the inside I was dying.

Emmett being two years older than me moved out of forks and to Seattle after he graduated, he became a professional football player for Seattle.

I went to college in Seattle, to be an English teacher, I graduated top of my class, and got a job at the local high school, me and Emmett were inseparable, I loved my life, once every month me and Emmett would visit Charlie for a weekend.

If mom was there life would have been perfect, I was still cut up about her death, but I was getting there, that was until one day, it started out perfectly normal, I went to school, and things happened, I can't even think of them, what happened that day was bad, but what I did was source, I ran to Chicago, packed up everything and left, I haven't talked to Emmett in four years, I'm twenty-five, and I have screwed up my life, it was all my fault after all

But now I was here, standing in front of Emmett's house, waiting for him to get home, he had a game this weekend.

It was raining heavily out, and I was socked to the bone. How could I do this? How could I tell him? I hadn't spoken to him in four years, what if he doesn't want to see me?

I was shacking violently with my teeth clattering as I waited outside his house, when he pulled up.

I couldn't move.

I was now lying on my side, my eyes drooping, but I forced them open, I couldn't pass out now, I sat up with difficultly as I saw four people approaching, one of them I recognized through the haze, was Emmett, he seemed to recognize me as well, as he was running to me, the others which I couldn't really see were hesitating.

''Bella.'' He called through the fog, reaching me; he pulled me up and squished me against his chest.

He let go after a minute, and my legs gave way, he caught me before I hit the ground.

''Bella, what happened? What's wrong?'' he asked panicking as he saw the vacant look on my face.

When I didn't answer, he pulled me inside the house; I shivered when the warmth hit me.

I saw the others now, a blond girl who looked like a model, judging by the concerned look on her face, she knew who I was, so did the other two, the man was also blond and tall, he had his arms around a tiny pixie with black hair.

''Bellatrix. You're freezing, how long were you out there?'' he asked. It didn't feel right when I hurd him say my childhood nickname, I didn't deserve it. ''Rosie would you get some towels please?'' he asked, I think the blond nodded and headed upstairs, I wasn't really sure.

I didn't answer, instead I broke down sobbing, trying to speak. ''I-I'm so s-sorry Emmett-t . . . m-m-m-y f-fault . . . they c-couldn't reach you . . . outside waiting . . . h-had to tell y-you . . . had to be from m-me . . . had to tell you . . . me . . . not some stranger.'' I sobbed.

''Bella, calm down, breathe, what are you saying? You're not making sense.'' He said, stress was evident in his voice. I hadn't even noticed we were in a living room; I was on his lap as he held me trying to warm me up.

''Dad, Emmett, Dad.'' Was all I could say before I started sobbing again.

He froze. ''Where's dad Bells? What happened?''

''He had a heart attack Emmett, he didn't make it.'' I said as I started crying again.

''I'm so sorry.'' I sobbed.

''Bella, it's not your fault.'' He said his voice breaking.

''Yes it is, oh god in so sorry, he was stressed, wasn't he? Because of me! Oh god I killed him!'' I sobbed, watching free from his grasp before he could push me off in disgust; after all it was my fault.

But he surprised me when he pulled me back to his chest.

''Bella it is NOT your fault, ok? OK?'' he asked. I nodded.

''Now how long have you been outside in the cold, and where are you staying?'' he said trying to hold back any emotion from me and taking on the big brother role.

''Few hours, I had to tell you, and I'm staying at my house.'' I said wiping my face, realizing we were the only ones in the room.

''You have a house here?'' he asked in surprise.

''Yes I bought one last month, I had just landed I was in the taxi when I got the phone call, he was gone . . .'' I trailed off.

''You are moving back here? Really?'' he asked with such hope in his voice, I felt so bad.

''Yes, I heard about your engagement, and I knew I couldn't just pop up in your life after all these years, but I realized what a mistake I had made running away, but I had reasons, and I felt like crap.'' I sighed, looking away, I got up and began pacing.

''Why did you? run away I mean?'' he asked, I looked at him, he was trying to fend off the tears.

''At the time I had reasons- what I thought were really good reasons, but now I see what a stupid bitch I was, I just left you and dad, no contact just left you that note saying 'goodbye' no 'sorry' or explanation, never said I loved you and dad, just packed all my things and moved to Chicago.''

I said it all in one breath, and was panting when I finished.

I looked over at Emmett to see him staring at me; tears were silently running down his face.

''He's really gone.'' He whispered in disbelief as I felt my knees buckle and give way beneath me, pain in my chest flared as I covered my face with me hands, squeezing my eyes shut as I felt myself hit the ground and loose consciousness.

**So should I continue? Tell me what you think? Thank you. ;)xxx**

**RLA ;)xxx**


	2. Chapter 2: The explanation of Bellatrix

**Chapter 2: The explanation of Bellatrix **

_**Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer is the author of The Twilight Saga, The Host, and a fifth of the book from Prom Nights from hell (which you should go read if you haven't already, it's awesome.) but sadly I do not own any of the rights to any of them, I do however own a copy of them all ;)**_

_Beep . . . Beep . . . Beep. _

That annoying beeping was a very faint sound, but it was getting louder, clearer, faster.

_Beep . . Beep . . Beep._

I started panicking, not remembering what happened. Where was I? hospital? It smelt like one, and it would explain the beeping, then I remembered.

Dad.

_Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep._

The beeping got faster.

My dad was dead.

Charlie.

My fault.

He was too stressed about me leaving.

It was really warm in here, I was sweating, absolutely socked in perspiration, my mouth was dry.

I gaged, there seemed to be something sticking down my throat. I started panicking, the sheets were wrapping tightly around me as I struggled, I started panicking, it felt like I was tied down, but I knew I wasn't, but it was too late, my mind had gone to the worst, I was brought back to that day.

I knew tears were streaming down my face, I knew I was struggling, and I was aware of the voices trying to calm me, but they were touching me. My arms and legs were being restrained, people were shouting, and then I heard the one voice that has ever calmed me.

''Bellatrix, its ok.'' I stopped struggling and tried to pull the annoying thing from my trout.

Once someone finally pulled the damned thing out I prised my eyes open to come face to face with Emmett.

''Bellatrix.'' He shouted, wide eyed, his eyes were red and puffy.

''Emmy- Bear, stop calling me that.'' I warned, my voice hoarse, so he handed me water.

''Not a chance Bellatrix.''

''What happened, and um . . . who are these . . . er . . . people.'' I asked, staring at the four faces who's eyes were intent on me, I blushed.

''You passed out from stress, and there are my friends, Bella, this is my fiancée Rose.'' He gestured to the blond I remembered seeing before.

''Hello Bella, I'm Rosalie Hale soon-to-be Swan, you can call me Rose, it's nice to meet you, Emmett talks very highly of you.'' She said taking a step closer to my bed, but I recoiled to the corner, she frowned and stopped moving.

''I'm Jasper, Emmett's best friend-'' at this he was cut off by the other man in the room I hadn't seen before, he had strange bronze hair and sparkling green eyes. ''Sorry then, one of Emmett's best friends, and I'm Rose's twin.'' He introduced himself, staying where he was, obviously seeing how I reacted when Rose tried to come closer. He was sitting down in the corner with the pixie on her lap.

''I'm Alice Cullen, girlfriend of Jasper and sister of Edward.'' She was cut off.

''I'm Edward, Alice's twin and Emmett's other friend.'' He said in a velvet voice.

''It's nice to meet you all.'' I whispered, blushing.

''How long have I been out for? When can I go home? And don't even object Em, I'm going home the second I can, and yes I'm going to my house, not yours.'' I added when I saw him about to object.

''Bel-la'' he whined. ''Just stay with us until after the funeral.'' He pleaded.

''Fine.'' I snapped. ''When is it anyway? And when can I go?'' I whispered.

''It's in two days, some of his friends back in forks arranged it, you've been out for three hours and you can go home in a while.'' He finished.

I nodded, unable to make myself form words.

''Jazz and I will go tell dad your up.'' Alice said in her high soprano voice pulling Jasper up and leading him out the door.

Emmett must have read my puzzled look because he answered my unspoken question. ''Their dad is Dr Cullen, your Dr, he's the best in the place, next to Edward of course, but he refused to work on you.'' Emmett smiled.

''Yeah well I wouldn't have been able to keep a clear head, she's your sister, I know how much she means to you.'' Edward hit Emmett on the back.

''I'm sorry, I have to go bathroom.'' Rosalie said in a daze and danced out the door.

''It's OK dude, now that I think about it, don't want you to look at my sister naked anyway.'' I started coughing; did he seriously just say that?

''Emmett, who's your doctor?'' Edward asked.

''Dr Demetri, he doesn't work here.'' He said confused.

''When was the last time you saw him? And what exactly happened.'' I said trying not to laugh.

''it was a few months ago, I had the flu, so I went to him, and he asked me to strip down to see what was wrong, and he conformed the flu.''

''Emmett.'' I said slowly, but then burst out laughing.

''Is she OK?'' Emmett asked confused.

''Emmett, whenever you go see him, does he ask you to strip?'' Edward asked grinning.

''Yes, doesn't everybody? I'd hate your job man, I mean it's fine if someone like Rose came in, but an old man?'' Emmett shivered.

I laughed harder.

''Emmett, unless you have a problem in a place where you have to take off your cloths, you don't have too.'' Edward laughed.

''What are you- ahhhhh, ROSIE, MY DR IS A PERV.'' He cried, running away to find her.

I became painfully aware that I was alone in a room with Edward, but I willed myself to sray calm. I trusted Emmett, and if Emmett trusted him, so should I.

''How long have you known Emmett?'' I asked.

''Since college, I was with him the night you . . .left.'' He said awkwardly.

I shook my head, tears spring to my eyes. ''How bad was he? After I left?'' I asked.

''I'm not going to lie, he was bad, he wouldn't eat for a month, kept asking why you would have left like that, or if you were kidnapped and forced to write those words. I knew you had written them.'' He said the last sentence quietly. He sat down on the chair beside the bed, I had the strange urge to get closer to him rather than away.

''I didn't want to leave, when Emmett comes back I have to let him know I didn't want to leave.''

''Why did you then?'' he asked, staring at me, I looked away.

''I had to get away from here, and I barely moved back, I had to do a lot of research before I did too. I heard he was getting married, realised how much I missed him and . . .D-Dad, and bought a house.'' I sighed.

''You know, I wanted to be a therapist, and I am a trained Doctor, Bella, you can't lie to me, I think I know why you left.'' He said quietly.

The beeping sped up. ''You couldn't possibly know.'' I said sternly.

''Me and Jasper have been friends our entire lives, then the sisters just tagged along and became best friends, Jasper and Alice were thirteen when the professed their unconditional dyeing love to one another, and once Jasper grows a pare, he'll ask Ali to marry him, and she will say yes. Well anyway, when we were all in high school, Rosalie was seventeen when something happened to her, I'm not going to say, because it's her story to tell, but I'll say this, she was messed up, and afraid, like you are, she tried to run away, and kill herself, but we caught her in time, I believe the same thing happened to you Bella, it's just a theory, but I'm usually right, and don't worry, I won't tell Emmett, unless you want me to.''

The next two hours passed with what felt like in a minute, but every second was etched into my brain, Crying, meeting Dr Cullen, Everyone coming back into my room, and now, I could go home- well to Emmett's.

''Honestly Emmett, Go with Rosalie, I know you want to.'' I urged.

''No I don't want you alone in a car with him.'' He whined.

''Oh yeah, coz were going to pull over at the side of the road and do it.'' Don't think about it Bella.

''Fine, Edward I swear if that does happen, you will never be able to do _it _again, especially with Bellatrix.'' He promised and walked away.

I laughed, sometimes he was just so stupid, but now, I had to be alone in a car with Edward, breathe Bella, he can't hurt you.

I strapped myself in securely into the passenger's seat. ''Why did Emmett actually seem afraid that, that might happen?'' I ask hesitantly.

Edward shook his head, starting his silver Volvo. ''He was joking, me and my ex, well she was jealous, all the time, she thought if she, er, if we did that, all the time, that I wouldn't cheat on her, which I wouldn't have anyway, but she was just really jealous, I found out why when I realized she was cheeting on me. She was cheating on me, but she didn't want me to cheat on her.'' He laughed.

''Sorry.'' What else was there to say?

''don't me.'' he tried desperately to change the subject. ''why does Emmett call you Bellatrix?'' he paused. ''Isn't she that evil which from 'Harry Potter'.'' I scrawled.

Crossing my arms over my chest, I answered. ''Yes, she's the evil which from 'Harry Potter' I loved 'Harry Potter' growing up, and for some reason Emmett love that the fact that sweet innocent Bella has the same name of an evil Bitch, and now he won't stop calling me it.'' I said. ''I suppose I could still call him Emma.''

''I'm sure he's love that.' He laughed.

The silence was ear splitting, I could only think of one thing.

This was awkward.

In an attempt to make it less awkward I spoke. ''Did you know my dad?'' I ask, annoyingly, I made it more awkward, and a hole burned in my chest, making it difficult to breathe.

''Yes, he was a good man.'' He said quietly, shifting uncomfortably.

''he was.'' I squeaked out. _Breathe Bella breathe._

''It's not your fault you know.'' He said after a pause.

A tractor tear leaked from my eye, I quickly wiped it away.

I stayed quiet. ''Emmett didn't want me to tell you this, not that he didn't want to, he just didn't think you could take it, but I think your blaming yourself, and it's not your fault.'' He sighed. ''Two years ago, Charlie had a minor heart attack, it wasn't bad, he was fine, but he had two more in the next week, they were worse, but he pulled through, he's had trouble breathing, it was only a matter of time Bella.''

''Yes, time he could have had, stress is a major factor in heart attacks, I know it is, even if he was going to die, he would have lasted longer if he wasn't stressed, wouldn't he? He called be every Sunday, every single Sunday, and I answered once, to tell him I was OK, I listened to his messages, it was all about how he and Emmett missed me. so even if he was going, I made him go faster, he spent the last years of his life depressed, because I fucking left, for a reason I never even told him.''

''Did you tell anybody?'' he said once I was done my rant.

''I-I what-t?'' I blubbered out.

''Did you tell anyone what happened? A secret like that must be hard to keep.'' He noted.

''You know nothing.'' I snapped, the car came to a sudden stop, I realized with a jolt, we were outside Emmett and Rosalie's house.

By the time I unstrapped, Edward had already gotten out and opened my door.

I was halfway out when he leaned down to my ear and whispered. ''don't I?''

**K so what do you think? I don't know if I should continue, so please review. Yes or no? like? Not? ;)xxx**

**RLA ;)xxx**


	3. Chapter 3: The List

**Chapter 3: The List**

My check list of things to do:

_Rant-Because I feel like I've been shot in the head any time I even think about dad._

_Avoid Edward Cullen-Because I fear he knows too much._

_Talk to Emmett-Because I need answers._

_Find the right thing to wear on Friday-Because its dad's funeral, I will not cry, and I will suck it up, and cry anyway._

_After a while get to know my future sister in law-Because Emmett is all I have left._

_Take Alice up on that shopping offer-Because I need new cloths, though I will regret this later._

_Visit Dad's grave agilest once a month-Because I live hours away._

_Get a job-Because even though I don't need one, I get bored easily._

_Focus on my writing-Because it's important to fulfil my dream._

_Stop be dammed dreaming of Edward Cullen-Because I don't want to, and that scares me._

I tapped my pen impatiently, I had already ranted off to Edward, and so I crossed it off my list.

_**Rant-Because I feel like I've been shot in the head any time I even think about dad.**_

It was Thursday, so I had to skip some steps to number 4, find something to where for tomorrow.

Emmett had moved all my things into his guest room, full of boxes now, but I had to find something to wear to my dad's funeral.

So naturally I ended up curled up in a ball on my bed sobbing.

How could I have done this? Ran away because I was scared, I shouldn't have been scared of them, I shouldn't have been scared of anybody, but I was deathly afraid.

Its better now though, I fear when I'm at my weakest-like in the hospital, but I have moved on with my life, I just which I came home before he died.

I was curled into myself, breathing heavily. I could do this. I got up, whipped my eyes, and vowed not to cry again today, to make light of the situation I started singing a random song.

''_I've been ignoring this big lump in my throat  
I shouldn't be crying,  
tears were for the weaker days  
I'm stronger now, or so I say,  
But something's missing''_

I picked up a black dress, it went down just past my knee, but it was very low cut, I held it up, shock my head and chucked it on the ground. I continued to sing.

''_Whatever it is,  
it feels like it's laughing at me through the glass of a two-sided mirror  
Whatever it is,  
it's just laughing at me  
And I just wanna scream_

What now? I just can't figure it out  
What now? I guess I'll just wait it out (wait it out)  
What now? Oh, oh, oh, oh! What now?''

I stopped singing abruptly, Blue eyes were staring at me through the door which was open a jar.

''You're really good.'' Rosalie said coming in and sitting down on the bed, I stared at her.

She flipped her long blond hair. ''Look, I'm a straight talking woman, I love Emmett with all my heart, so it's important we learn to like each other. I'm open to it, I just mean, I don't like a lot of friends, and I won't lie, I hated you for a while, I mean full on wanted to rip your head off hatred. But that was when I had never met you and I knew how torn up Emmett was about you leaving. It killed him, and I don't know if he can handle it if you go again. But- and I know he seems depressed, but that's because of Charlie, Emmett so much happier then he should be right now Bella, and it's because of you. So I'm asking you one thing, after the funeral, go if you want to go, but don't- please god stick around then leave, if you stay, it's for good, or I will hunt you down.'' She paused. ''but I don't blame you for leaving, I'm sure you had really good reasons.'' I started to pull at her hair.

''Why? On earth do people keep saying that? My reasons were stupid and juvenile I left, because when I needed my family's support the most, I didn't want them to pity me, look at he with worry, anger, or get themselves put in jail, I left so I wouldn't hurt them, but I did, I hurt them worse.'' I cried. Throwing this horrible coal black dress to the flour, I collapsed on the bed, my chest heaving.

Rosalie beamed. ''You see? I knew you had a good reason, you wanted to protect them, even if you did it in a really bad way, you tried.'' Her voice was soft, nothing like what it was like whilst she was shouting at me earlier.

''You know Edward told me what he thinks, and if he's right, I think that's reason enough Bella. When I was seventeen, my boyfriend-Royce King, I thought I loved him, and I thought he loved me, I was wrong. One night he brought me to his friends party, it wasn't fun at all, everyone was drunk, I thankfully was the designated driver, although sometimes I wish I was so plastered I don't remember, but if I would have been, it wouldn't have held up in court, and Royce and his friends mightn't have gone down for gang rape.'' She sighed.

''Oh Rose. . .'' I started.

''Do not say sorry.''

''Wasn't going to, honestly do you and Edward share a brain or what?'' I asked with fake suspicion.

''Well sometimes it's like he can read everyone's brains, if that any help.'' She offered.

I wrinkled my nose. ''Not really no.''

She laughed.

''Actually I was going to say, I know how you feel.'' I said quietly.

''I knew it from the moment you moved away from me at the hospital, that sucks.'' She said smiling at me sadly.

''I didn't say anything.'' I defended weakly.

''You didn't have to, do you need help.'' She gestured to my wardrobe.

''Please.'' I smiled, maybe Rosalie wasn't so bad.

******PL&L******

''So what do you think of Edward?'' Rosalie asked, we were still looking through my cloths, I blushed, hoping she wouldn't see.

''He's nice.'' I say indifferently.

''Really Bella, _nice_? You think he's _nice_?'' she asked in disbelief.

''He knows too much.'' I deadpanned.

''I know too much.'' She reminded me.

''It's different.'' I said throwing a pair of shorts at her.

''How so?'' She questioned throwing the shorts back.

I wanted to smack the grin right off her face that appeared when I didn't answer.

**So what do you think? I'll try to get the next chapter up in the next few days. (maybe before the weekend?) but I do have other stories to focus on, and right now my main one is 'untouchable', since it's the one of my story's most sought after, but I try to spread it out.**

**Thank you for reading this, please review so I know you're out there. Oh and for someone who MP'd me, my name isn't really RLA, (is that even a name?) no my name is Orlaith, (Irish spelling, also Orla, but when you sound it out RLA sounds the same) ;)xxx**

**RLA ;)xxx**


	4. Chapter 4: The Funeral

**Chapter 4: The Funeral**

''What do you think?'' I sniffled. Twirling around slowly on one foot, stumbling a fraction bit I saved myself by clamping my feet firmly on the ground and sighing, holding back the tears.

''Lovely Bellatrix, Dad would be proud.'' Emmett smiled at me, trying to be brave.

I blushed through the tears, I had decided on a plain black dress, the sleeves went down to my elbows, and the hem went to my knee, I had wrapped a bright red ribbon around my waste, to add some colour, I knew dad wouldn't want us all to be so sad on a day when we were meant to celebrate his life, not morn his death, though we would anyway.

''When will the others get here?'' Edward, Alice and Jasper would be meeting here, and we would travel to forks together, Rose was upstairs toughing up her makeup, which she didn't need.

''About five minutes, is it OK if you go with Edward, Jasper and Alice? I really need Rosie right now.'' He asked. My heart fluttered in pain for a second, I knew Emmett didn't need me anymore, but it still hurt. Then why was there a whisper in the back of my head saying it was OK because I would be in a car with Edward.. . And the others.

Why was there a part of me that yearned to see him again? I had spoken to him twice, and both of those conversations ended with me in a huff. But I still wanted to talk to him. Yet I wanted to run away and hide again, leave to a place where everything was easy. But I had stopped running from my past. Easier said than done.

I smiled convincingly at him. ''Emmett, it's no problem, honestly.''

He beamed at me, showing his dimples, I smiled sadly back, noticing for the first time his red rimmed eyes you could only see up close. He had been crying.

The doorbell pulled me out of my daze, I breathed even slow breaths, I opened the door to come face to face with the three expected three people, and before I knew it, the pixie had me wrapped in a tight embrace.

''I'm so sorry Bella.'' Se murmured into my dress.

Her arms only reached to my waste, but I hugged her back, willing the tears to leave. I gestured for them to come in when Alice let go and walked back into Emmett in the kitchen, rose was there now, and they were whispering in hushed tones.

''. . .not today Emmett.'' Rose whispered, you could tell she wanted to say something, but now was not the time.

''We should get going.'' Emmett said in a hard voice before pushing his way through and slamming the front door after him.

''He's angry because he thinks I'm keeping something from him.'' Rose whispered in anguish.

''And are you, honey?'' Alice asked, going to pat her shoulder but Rose brushed her off, looking deathly pale, and walked after Emmett.

''We better go.'' I said staring out the window with unfocused eyes, looking at the sun, a rare thing, but it decided to come out today.

''You can sit up front Bella, I want to sit with Jazz.'' Alice told me, usually I would have argued, but not today, today, I nodded and held my tongue.

Not today.

Since it takes give or take three and a half hours to get to Forks from Seattle, we left at eight a.m. so we would get there with time to spare.

I stared numbly at the front windshield of the Volvo, Edward was silent, and Alice and Jasper were having a whispered conversation in the back. I watched as the sun shone at a blinding angle, causing me to wince and carefully sit back. My arms crossed, I willed my tears away, but they overtook me and spilled, I quickly grabbed a tissue and wiped them away, just for more to come, like my eyes were a waterfall.

My hand was suddenly trapped in Edwards. I looked up, but he was staring ahead.

''My mom was diagnosed with cancer when I was seven.'' He said, a hint of sadness in his voice.

My breath caught.

''I didn't know exactly what it was, but I knew it wasn't good, a week before my eighth birthday my dad was murdered, he was one of the four people killed in a bank robbery gone wrong. My mom died a month later.''

''that's horrible Edward.'' I whispered.

He squeezed my hand. ''I'm just saying I know how you feel, to lose both your parents, the difference is I was taken in by Carlisle and Esme, and given a sister, you mightn't have Carlisle or Esme, but you have us, and I don't mind talking whenever you want.''

My only response was when I squeezed his hand back.

I would have liked to say that I remembered the day of my dad's funeral in great detail, but honestly, the car journey was a blur, only one thing I registered.

I held Edward's hand the whole way.

''You have a tattoo?'' he asked in surprise.

''Well don't sound so surprised.'' I said, we were almost at the church, and I could tell he was trying to distract me, his thumb traced my tattoo on my wrist, sending tingles up my arm. My tattoo was plain black, the infinity sign, with the word hope etched into one of the loops, and three little birds flying away at different angles.

''Does Emmett know you have it?'' he smirked.

I pulled the sleeve of my cardigan down, hiding it.

''No, I got it when I left, and I'm not planning on telling him.'' I replayed.

''He has to find out sometime.'' He warned.

''Yes.'' I gripped. ''But I like my tattoo, and I'd rather Emmett not rip my arm off.'' I quipped.

He chuckled, and with a pang of pain, I realized we had made it to the church.

I let go of his hand and took a breath, if I made it through this, I would have succeeded.

It felt like the wind had been knocked out of me,, I got out of the car, and Alice pulled me along, I was numb, not feeling where I was going, not registering how I was walking, nothing.

''Where are the guys?'' I ask Alice as I see Rose approaching, and the three boys are nowhere to be seen.

''There gone to help carry the coffin.'' I merely nod, she's still pulling me along, not that I minded, without her I proubley would have strayed onto the road.

I wasn't quite decided if it would have been an accident or not.

As soon as we had trodden over the threshold of the church, I shivered.

I had never really liked church's, the stone walls that prevent any heat getting in, people prying for sick loved ones, I used to protest going to church as a child because all I could do is stair at the stain glass window and wonder how many graves were behind it. And today was no different, I gave an involuntary squeeze of horror on Alice's hand, she squeezed my back reassuringly.

I do believe in god, and always have, but every time I come here, I have to ask myself the million dollar question. _Why does god let bad things happen to good people? _I mean does God control what happens? Can God stop it? We will never know.

I could do it today, after all church was the place I went to after _it_ happened, I was a crying blubbering mess, and I was silently angry. I think people assumed I had lost a loved one.

Well I hadn't, I had lost something though.

I was driven out of my haze my a soft music playing, my head snapped up and I couldn't breathe, I could see it, Emmett in front, behind him Edward, followed my Jasper, walking slowly between the two pews. Charlie's coffin resting on their shoulder, three police officers carried the other side.

I knew he was dead, but how do you honestly believe it? This is how, staring his coffin in the face.

The six men carrying it walked like they were treading on water. I hadn't even noticed I was holding onto Alice's hand for dear life until her hand twisted in pain, I released it in a second.

People got up and spoke about him, all great things, his co-workers, friends and finally his family.

Emmett's speech was about you how you should go out and live your life before it's too late, and how dad did, because his dream was to have a family, and stay and protect the people of forks.

I felt instantly bad that I hadn't prepared anything, and I had to wing it, but just the thought of writing something to say at my dad's funeral was too much, but I had to say something, I had to.

I rose up out of my seat and walked slow measured steps up beside his coffin, I looked up into the crowd of people, each had spared time to say goodbye to him, and for that I was thankful.

It was then when I caught someone's angry eyes.

I stopped breathing, this wasn't like the other times this had happened today, this wasn't because I was wretched at my dad's departure, no this was fear.

Because I had seen those exact same angry eyes before.

Only in a different person, I sighed in relief, it wasn't him, I was safe.

I cleared the knot in my throat before speaking.

''I heard somewhere that 'our fingerprints don't fade from the lives that we touch' I couldn't help but realize how right it is. All of you are here today because Charlie left his mark on all of our lives, in passing or in life; he affected us all in different ways. He was the best father I could have asked for, and I'm sorry I wasn't around for the last few years, and that's my fault, and now he'll never know how sorry I am for leaving him.'' My voice cracked with emotion. I blinked back the tears as I stumbled back to my seat.

Once a few more words were said Emmett, Edward and Jasper plus the three police officers brought the coffin outside.

Everyone followed in what seemed like slow motion. I caught a glimpse of the angry eyes again, they were staring at me, I winced, noticing the owner was a middle aged man in a wheelchair.

I shivered.

His coffin was lowered into the grave agonisingly slow. One by one we went up and said our goodbyes, dropping a handful of dirt onto the coffin, I told him how much I loved him and how sorry I am. He would never know.

I saw the creepy guy in the wheelchair talking gloomily to Emmett.

''Bellatrix.'' He called, I walked over in dread. ''This is Billy Black, he was dads best friend.'' Emmett introduced.

Billy scrawled at me. ''Not that she'd know.'' He murmured, Emmett didn't seem to hear him.

Tears threatened my eyes, but I held them.

Something it me. dear god, no, no, no, his eyes, the anger, the scrawl, too familiar, the name. Black, Black . .. I started hyperventilating.

I stumbled backward, blinking.

''Bella?'' Rose's voice was a distant blur.

Suddenly my legs gave way and I was a struggling ball on the ground.

I dreamily made my way into one of the side rooms in the church, someone and brought me in here.

''No, Alice stop, she's not grieving, well maybe she is, but mostly its panic, Ali get Edward I'd recognize a panic attic anywhere.'' I flinched when her hand touched my shoulder.

''Bella, breathe, Emmett's frantic, but I told him to stay away, don't worry you're safe.'' She soothed.

''Rose. '' his voice helped some, but I felt like I had no control of my body, everything was shacking.

''Damn it Bella, its Edward, your OK.''

''Edward, yesterday, I-I spoke to her, she didn't outright admit it, but I saw it in her eyes.'' she sighed. ''I know you're not meant to touch someone in a panic attack, and she needs someone she trusts, but Emmett, he's giant, I was afraid he might scare her.''

''Good thinking-''

''Don't.'' I whimpered.

''Bella, don't what sweetheart? '' Rose asked.

''Make me go back out there.''

Rose gasped. ''He's out there isn't he Bella.''

Edward growled, and I cried harder. Coming back down to earth somewhat. ''Who is he? I'll rip his Bal-''

''Rose, were in a church.'' I hiccupped, looking up.

They were both crouched down beside me.

''We have to tell Emmett.'' Rose had barely spoken the words when I jumped up.

My legs gave way and Edward caught me. ''You can't tell him, I'll do it, I have to do it.''

I tried to get up, but Edward picked me up bridal style.

''You are in no fit state to walk, He's not out there Rose. That was only a minor panic attack, see se fine- well she looks better now.'' He smiled at me. ''What set you off?'' he asked, walking.

''I don't know what you're talking about.'' I defended.

''Yes you do, and were not leaving until you tell us.''

''I told the others to go on, we have all night Bella.'' Rose smiled at me evilly.

Edward dropped me into the car, I scrawled. Why couldn't these people leave me alone?

''It wasn't _him._'' I shuddered. ''it was his dad, I had my suspicions, had the same eyes.'' I shuddered again. ''but then I heard the name.'' I took a breath.

''Billy Black, his .. .son, it was him, J-Jacob, he- r-raped me.'' I sobbed.

**Thoughts? Warning the 'h' key on my laptop is a bit broken, but it works sometimes, I think I got all the 'h's but one or two might be missing. Please review. ;)xxx**

**RLA ;)xxx**


	5. Chapter 5: Blood

**Pain Love and Leavening**

**Chapter 5: Blood**

''Bella, you have to tell someone.'' Edward said through clenched teeth, is holding on the steering wheel tightened, and his knuckles turned white.

''Like who?'' I questioned, wiping my eyes with a tissue rose had supplied me with.

''Emmett for a starters, when maybe the police, that sick bustard is still walking free.'' Rose spat, but she wasn't angry at me, no, she was angry at him.

I tensed. ''Don't you think I tried that, I went to hospital, I told them what happened, the police came, I told them, then two hours later, his lawyer came into the room, and threatened to turn the case around, make it look like I was in a relationship with a minor, his family was rich, and I didn't have enough money to waste on a lawyer, they paid me a hundred thousand to leave for a few years, I had no choice, but I never spent the money, I couldn't, I didn't want his money.'' I still had every cent in his bank account.

''Bella.'' Edward said softly, letting go of his nose, where he was just pinching it. ''How old was he?'' He asked rather hesitantly.

I looked away ashamed. ''Edward you idiot, you've seen some of those reservation kids, once they turn fifteen, they grow to be your size or worse.'' Rose paused. ''Bella, you were a teacher, he was your student, wasn't he?'' she whispered.

I sniffled, gazing out the window. ''He was sixteen, I didn't think-, I should have-'' I stopped, unable to finish the sentence.

''You should have what Bella? Been able to stop him? He was twice your size, I just didn't think a sixteen year old could be such, such. . .'' Rose struggled to find the right word.

''Such a sadistic bustard.'' Edward cut in.

''Yep, a sadistic Bustard.'' She paused. ''You have to tell Emmett.'' She breathed.

''I will, just not today, he had enough to deal with.'' I sighed.

''True, but soon though, and I think we should press charges.'' Rose bargained.

Edward started the car and began driving, I snorted, crossing my arms over my chest. ''Wouldn't that just go down well, teacher accuses sixteen year old of rape, oh yeah, and she had already dropped the charges before and was bribed away.'' I said in a mocking voice.

''But that's because you were threatened they would spin this out of proportion, and you said you didn't want the money, you never even spent it.'' Edward reasoned, glancing at me.

I huffed, annoyed, Rose's hand was on my shoulder, and then I felt it tense.

''Rose are you OK?'' I ask, turning around, she was groaning in pain, clutching her stomach, looking rather pale. I slapped Edward's arm. ''Pull over.'' I said, sure she was about to be sick.

''Don't pull over.'' She breathed.

''Rose you're not going to be sick in my car are you?'' he smiled, but I saw the worry in his eyes, I liked to think he was worried about Rose more than his car.

''Bella, I hate to say this, but call Emmett.'' Something about the tone in her voice made me dive for my phone and punched in his number.

''What do I tell him?'' I ask.

''Tell him to meat us at the hospital.'' She gasped out in pain.

''Wait what?-'' She cut Edward's confused rant off.

''Take me to hospital.'' She shouted at him.

I winced.

The phone was ringing.

''Bella? Are you OK?'' he sounded panicky.

''Shut up, meat us at the hospital.'' Then I smelt it, blood, I looked back, all over the seat. Something clicked.

''Are you OK?''

''Of course I am you idiot, look sorry. ROSE, sorry, but Emmett, Rose is pregnant, and.'' I gulped, feeling dizzy. ''There's blood Emmett, there's a lot of blood.''


	6. Chapter 6: Eyes open

**Chapter 6: Eyes open**

''How much blood is there?'' Edward demanded, his face paling, I didn't care, blood made me queasy, but the second I hung up with Emmett I climbed in the back to Rosalie, I couldn't feel my hand, but it didn't matter.

''Oh for god sakes Edward! Stop worrying about your car for one minute and drive god damn it, ow.'' Rosie bellowed at him, he remained calm, I saw the tendons in his hands stretch as he grabbed the steering wheel.

''I don't give a shit about the car Rosie, I'm a doctor remember, how much blood is there?'' He snapped, face still pale, the hospital was just five minutes away.

''There's a lot, Alice is going to be pissed I ruined my dress.'' She tried to joke. ''I really don't need doctor Edward right now, I need stupid ass brother Edward, the one who threatened to cut of Emmett's junk if he hurt me, even though he is twice your size.'' She panted out, gripping my hand as a wave of pain hit her.

''Well I knew Jasper would have helped.'' He admitted, trying to lighten the mood.

''You also knew Emmett never would have hurt me.'' She said. ''But you did it anyway, and the message got through to him to, he spent the next two weeks locked away. Afraid if he came out you would cut it off.'' Rose laughed; her face though was contracted in a grimace.

I let out a sigh of relief when we reached the hospital, I couldn't see any of the others there, I had told Emmett to ring the hospital before we hung up, because Edward was driving and I was with Rosalie I told him to, and there was people waiting Edward scooped her out of the car and I trailed along on his heels.

I had only known Rosalie for a few days, but in that short time I had become quite attached to her. I feel like we bonded some over a traumatic event we both went through, one that neither of us should have been submitted to. But it happened and Rose had moved on, fallen in love, was strong enough to put those asshats in jail.

So why couldn't I?

Oh right because I didn't want to go down for statutory rape. But maybe if I had gone through with it, maybe if I hadn't dropped the charges against Jacob he might have gone to prison. What if he did it to someone else because I was too chicken?

What have I done?

Oh my god, how many other girls were there? What age? Did they press charges? Were they bribed? Threatened? Like I was? Did they have the guts to stay with their family? I hope so, I hope someone did get him.

But I hope more that there were no more girls.

That means he's still out there.

He is still out there, I know he is. But I have to stop thinking about it, for now anyway, I was here, sitting in a waiting room, staring blankly at a wall pulling on my hair, waiting to see if the baby was ok, Edward was pacing a hole in the floor in front of me. Since neither one of us was legally her family we weren't allowed in.

When Emmett arrived, the whole hospital knew. His footfalls echoed through the corridor, I looked up to see my big burley brother running towards us as fast as he could without knocking everyone over, Alice and Jasper were in tow.

Emmett breezed past us right into the room, Alice had tear tracks down her flushed cheeks, I wanted to cry, but I held in my emotions, I knew repressing them wasn't good, hell last time I held my emotions in for so long I just exploded and ended up in hospital. But I couldn't cry, why cry at possibilities? It was a possibility that Rosalie might lose the baby.

But she mightn't.

If I didn't have hope I had nothing.

Which wasn't saying much.

Emmett burst through the door, my heart felt like it was going to jump out of my chest and I couldn't breathe, he looked exhausted, but a wide grin spread over his face.

''There is a very good chance that she might lose the baby, but they say if she makes it through the night, we might be okay.'' I don't remember standing up, or running over to Emmett, but soon enough I am wrapped up in his embrace, I found it hard to breathe, but I didn't care.

''Can we see her?'' Alice squealed.

Emmett nodded. ''Two at a time, she was asking for the girls.'' He admitted, throwing an apologetic glance at the boys who just shook their heads.

My legs asked from sitting down all day and my back was stiff. But my feet glided across the floor easily.

''You know I don't think it's fair.'' I said as I went in through the door. ''How can you go through all that and still look like a super model?'' I quipped. Though Rosalie did look great, was she wearing makeup? She looked different from what she did earlier.

''I have my ways.'' She answered simply, but I could still see the effects of the crying, red rimmed eyes and a nose that would put Rudolph to shame.

I sat down beside the bed with Alice, she was being unusually quiet, and it was starting to freak me out.

''Everything will be okay Rosie, I can feel it.'' Alice said with such assurance I had to believe her.

''Oh I wouldn't be so sure of that.'' Rosalie paused. ''I am carrying Emmett's baby after all.''

It wasn't funny, she was trying to lighten the mood, and I shouldn't have laughed, but sometimes it's easier to laugh than to let your emotions get the better of you.

''Alice, I need a drink.'' Rosalie demanded, that's just how she was, it made her seem fierce and stronger than she already was.

She should write a handbook.

Alice's tinkling blue eyes rolled towards her hair, and stayed there for a second before coming down to land on Rosalie, she glanced between me and Rosalie a few times before rising and going forward to kiss Rosalie's check.

''Yes your highness, mind my niece or nephew, I'll be back.''

''Oh I'm sure you will.'' Rosalie replied. Alice walked out, a knowing smirk plastered on her face.

''Bella, I am a woman of few words, okay that's a lie, I never shut up, but that's not the point, I am bad at expressing my feelings, did you know I knew Emmett was the one from the first date, we went to this fancy restraint, and of course he had spaghetti, my god he had it all over his face and I was so embarrassed, but I had never felt more loved in my life.'' Her eye glazed over as she remembered. ''He blurted out that he lived me on the third date, and it took me six months to say it back, but he never wavered. What I'm trying to say Bella, turn on the god dammed radio.'' She snorted.

''What-'' I started, confused.

''Just turn on the radio, I asked Emmett to do something for me, and hell I'm cringing on this bed here thinking about it, its cheesy as hell, but damn it better get the message across.'' I turned on a radio that was in the room and Rosalie said to keep it on the channel it was set, and my lord was it cheesy.

''_This next song goes out to Bella Swan and Rose Hale who are going through a hard time right now, its 'Eyes open' by Taylor Swift.'' _**(A/N: THE REST IS JUST THE SONG, WHICH FITS PERFECTLY WITH THIS SIGUATION I THINK, also goes well with the hunger games;)**

_Everybody's waiting  
Everybody's watching  
Even when you're sleeping  
Keep your ey-eyes open_

The tricky thing  
Is yesterday we were just children  
Playing soldiers  
Just pretending  
Dreaming dreams with happy endings  
In backyards, winning battles with our wooden swords  
But now we've stepped into a cruel world  
Where everybody stands and keeps score

Keep your eyes open

Everybody's waiting for you to breakdown  
Everybody's watching to see the fallout  
Even when you're sleeping, sleeping  
Keep your ey-eyes open  
Keep your ey-eyes open  
Keep your ey-eyes open

So here you are, two steps ahead and staying on guard  
Every lesson forms a new scar  
They never thought you'd make it this far  
But turn around (turn around), oh they've surrounded you  
It's a showdown (showdown) and nobody comes to save you now  
But you've got something they don't  
Yeah you've got something they don't  
You've just gotta keep your eyes open

Everybody's waiting for you to breakdown  
Everybody's watching to see the fallout  
Even when you're sleeping, sleeping  
Keep your ey-eyes open  
Keep your ey-eyes open  
Keep your ey-eyes

Keep your feet ready  
Heartbeat steady  
Keep your eyes open  
Keep your aim locked  
The night goes dark  
Keep your eyes open

(Keep your eyes open _[4x]__)_

Everybody's waiting for you to breakdown  
Everybody's watching to see the fallout  
Even when you're sleeping, sleeping

Keep your ey-eyes open  
Keep your ey-eyes open  
Keep your ey-eyes open  
Keep your ey-eyes open  
Keep your ey-eyes open

''Rosalie?'' I asked, my voice shaky.

''Its Rose, Bella.''

''Did you get Emmett to call in and request that?''

She simply nodded. And despite everything I laughed.

''You are the best sister-I-never-had. EVER.''

**Sorry it took me so long to update, RL has been hectic and I've had no time. I will never give up on a story, I am updating 'Untouchable' next, then 'The ones you love' and back through the cycle again. Is anyone else out there going to see 'Divergent' (out this week) or anyone read the book? Its amazing, you like the hunger games(or not) you'll like 'Divergent.' And who out there loves 'The Fault In Our Stars'? I'm going to stop rambling on about my passion for books right now and get to work on finishing my next chapter. Reviews will help me update faster. And god bless any of you who actually read this A/N, ;)xxx**

**RLA ;)xxx**


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